It has been a while since I have written for many reasons. The biggest reason of all is that you, Bella are one busy girl. We went to see my mom today, your grandmother that you call "ginny". You put stickers all over her hands. Your grandmother is in the hospital with cancer in her brain, liver, hip and possibly back in her lungs. Things look grim and I want so much for you to remember her. I want you to know how funny, creative and smart she is. She adores you and are a bright spot in her life. We have been going to see her every week now since the spring. I have enjoyed watching you play in the mud, sand and water. You love catching frogs, worms and chasing birds and butterflies. Just recently, you have started to talk to everyone! You're asking all the kids at the park what their names are. Some of them answer, and some are shy, but not you! You love to dance, sing and climb. My favorite thing you're doing is naming your hands and toes. Then, you make them talk to each other and us. It's either mamma hand, papa hand or baby hand and the same for the toes.

Now for your favorite foods ha ha. You have pretty much lived for six months on chicken hot dogs, green beans and rice, ice cream, broccoli (thank God), cantelope, and pretzels. You love apple juice and lemonaide. You love to swim, jump in bounce houses and on trampolines and play with your little toy animals. Your favorites for a while were a little zebra named "baby horse" and a pingeon named "chirpy". Unfortunately, we lost them recently because we left them at the park where you burried them in sticks. You are tough when it comes to sleeping. It takes two hours to wind you down, you are a non stop little ball of energy. You have quite a temper on you, and can be so cuddly and sweet. Nothing compares to the feeling I have when your cheek is next to mine or your head on my shoulder where I can smell your hair. You first said "you loved me" a few months ago and If that's all I was ever meant to be here for, it was well worth the wait. I love you Bella!


To be continued...

I've been a little busy since Bella turned one. Last summer Bella was loving lights, flowers, poles and fire hydrants, this summer she's loving to walk, run, climb, swing, slide, throw balls, talk and swim with floating sticks. Bella is doing so much it's hard to keep track. She has so many words in her vocabulary now. She can say all the basics. Some of her words are half the word; for example, instead of diaper, it's diap. Lolly pop is pop, bottle is ba, Aunt Christine, it's Tine. She just now started to hide herself in the closet, or under the chair. We pretend we don't know where she is and act surprised when she reveals herself. The real cute thing happened tonight. She wants to hide daddy, mommy and her little penguin along with the Dora doll in places (under the small chair in the living room) and then she pretends she doesn't know where we are. She acts surprised when we reveal ourselves and shrugs her shoulders and lifts her arms to indicate she doesn't know where we are. Another fun thing she likes is to make mommy go down her toddler slide over and over again.

I have become even more creative in our small home. We have a slide, a sand box and a string in the window that her animals get to swing on. It's amazing how my creative imagination has been working along with hers. It's fun to set up her toys and show her what they can do. I like to put her daddy, mommy and baby doll in the miniature bathtub and make water sounds. She loves to dance. If she hears music, she's spinning, stomping and clapping. She has no problem letting us know she's mad, sad or hungry. Tired on the other hand-she puts off as long as possible. She has cute little earrings now her hair is growing and the teeth keep coming. Bella is great when she's happy, and challenging when she's not. I want her to always feel safe, understood and loved. I want her to always know her boundaries are respected and to walk with confidence in the easy times and the tough times. I always want her to know how much me and daddy love her.

I can see her mind wants to do and say more than her body will allow right now. She's just waiting to explode. As soon as her body catches up with her brain and spirit, look out. She's still not too sure of sounds. Planes, trucks, busses, motorcycles, lawn mowers and leaf blowers send her running for mommy and daddy. She grabs our hand when she wants us to play with her or to show us something. I watch in awe as she grins at her toys making them go up and down, talk and eat. She hates dirt on her, she wants it off immediately and will scream until it's off. My strong, pretty, smart little baby is growing and growing. I'm so proud of her and hope she will read this one day and smile knowing that she is so loved.

Date:	2008-07-27 21:41
Subject:	Epiphany
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

I have been practicing asking myself, "am I breathing?" I have realized the more I do this- directing attention to my nose, mouth and chest-the more I'm out of my thoughts. I'm creating space for my real self to break through. Every time I stop feeding the thoughts the space gets bigger. I'm so excited to know this. I want to squeeze the meaningless thought patterns right out of my head. If I could I'd rinse them out in a strainer and pour them down the garbage disposal along with the egg shells and left over macoroni.

How much time has been spent living inside my head with repetitive boring bullshit going round and round-keeping me from the present. I picture this peaceful, angelic like human shape prying through a small space pushing each side to the left and right. I see the sliding doors trying to shut on her as she strains and pushes. I keep breathing, I keep feeling my chest rise. I feel the air going in and out of my nose, mouth and lungs. I feel my heart moving in my chest and the pulse raising the skin in my ankles and hands. Ego, false self, you are losing. You are nothing and always have been. You are not the boss anymore. God is pushing through and it won't be long until you run out of room.

Date:	2008-07-15 21:45
Subject:	Song for Stephen
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

Revised!


Good-bye

Staring in the dark at reflections of light,

Watching shadows move for some sort of sign.

I'm Trying to see you.


Hoping to see you at the foot of my bed

Or through out dreams playing in my head.

Please let me see you.


I watched over time as the light left your eyes.

I tried to help free you from the torture of your mind.

You wanted to end it.


Running and moving to escape the pain.

A one man battle over the voices in your brain..

I didn't think you'd do it.



We said good-bye many times before;

On the phone or at the front door.

I always knew I'd see you again

Because good-bye was never the end.



Last time you left there was no good bye.

It's not like you, did you run out of time?

Where are you now?


The voices in your head were finally too much.

Giving into false promise of your addictive crutch.

Are you okay now?


Last time I saw you, you were cold and still.

I touched your hair and kissed your sweet lips..

Can you still feel me?


I've traveled west to our favorite ocean place.

I stood on the rocks thinking of your face.

Can you still see me?


Good-bye are just words we say,

Like how are you and have a nice day.

It only meant until we meet again,

It's not forever love doesn't end.


I'll keep on searching for you in the night.

Watching for signs to know you're all right.

I need a good-bye.


People tell me I'll find you in my heart.

Then we'll know fully; but now only part.

Where is your light?


.
We said good-bye many times before;

On the phone or at the front door.

I always knew I'd see you again

Because good-bye didn't mean the end.

Date:	2008-06-04 21:24
Subject:	Wind and Trees
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed

I was walking a long today pushing Bella in a stroller given to me by my Cousin Leigh Ann. The stroller is mostly dark blue made for a boy. I wonder as I walk if people in the cars and standing in their yards are thinking, "why does she have her little girl in a boy's stroller or what a cute little boy-why is he wearing pink?" It's funny how much I think people are thinking about what's wrong with me. I hear the wind gusting on this 95 degree day. I love the sound and it moves every leaf and branch. I close my eyes-not for long-with ease and breathe deeply. We walk past a Mimosa tree and I'm reminded of the summers spent with my Aunt Janice and Uncle Ronnie. There was a tree like this on their street that I'd stop, smell and feel the feathery like pink flowers. I remember all the times my mom and dad left my brother and I there for the summer and how we'd cry and run after the car as they pulled out of the drive.

I remember the sick feeling in my stomach that lasted a couple days, and trying to settle in this new environment summer after summer. One would think that two children in our situation would have fled to my aunts, but you had to peel us off my mom to go from chaos to structure and cleanliness. Once the shock wore off I'd usually have fun dancing in the den filled with white shag carpet and a huge wooden cabinet holding a turn table, radio and speakers. My uncle worked for RCA and had many records and I filled many days dancing, singing and listening. Music was with me everywhere I went. I'd always feel nervous when my uncle would sit me on his lap giving me sips of his Schlitz beer and bites of his evening cereal. I remember trying to be nice and not upset him, then I'd get down once he was done hugging on me. My uncle is normal and loving. I know now that's how normal men treat children. I loved when my aunt would say, "let's go to town." This meant a trip to K Mart and huge bowl of cheese nachos. I'd walk down the toy isle drooling over the latest Barbie. I never begged or asked for much and was filled with joy when my aunt bought me one. The summers were calm and filled with swimming, pic nics and journeys through the fields out back where I'd come across old cemeteries, horses and many trees.

I loved and still do to watch the leaves and branches sway back and forth. It's as if the trees are waving and laughing. These awesome trees that can out live us and stay in one place year after year. I always hate when September comes around, and now I realize not only do the leaves fall away, but it's time to go home to the chaos, the punching of holes in the wall, the yelling, the moving from place to place and unwanted attention from a person chosen as my father. Interesting how all these thoughts can come from seeing one tree and feeling the comforting touch of the gusty wind.

Having Bella has brought back my imagination. In our small apartment, I have a play area set up for her by the window facing two huge oak trees. There's a stool, a small wicker cabinet that holds some of her toys, and a three drawer plastic container. She plays in the window seal with her animals. Today, she had her bears dancing in the window and a new friend joined her. Awe the season is here, those annoying, buzzing, black flies. I found this out because I was was dropping the apple juice out of the refrigerator and I heard her screaming. Of course, I thought she hurt herself. I ran from the kitchen, Tim came in from the patio and what did we see? Bella was screaming about the fly buzzing around her play area. While Tim tried using some stuffed animals to kill it, I went to grab the fly swatter. Tim smashed little buzzy and scooped it up to show Bella; then, she wanted to touch the poor dead thing. I say poor dead thing because something pathetic is happening to me. I sprayed a yellow jacket nest down from our patio and then felt sad and guilty for doing it. Geezzzzzzzz.

While she was screaming I remembered how my brother hated flies. He would run around whatever apartment or house we were leasing at the time-frantically swatting and missing and swatting until he killed every last one. What I never understood is he would kill them and leave them lying around. You'd walk around the house only to see the battle ground of the flies that didn't make it. Why not pick them up and throw them away? He probably didn't have time for that, he was always off to the next thing. I had hoped when I found out I was pregnant-that somehow-Stephen was being reincarnated through me.

At first-when we found out it was a girl-I felt sad. Then it occurred to me, he didn't like men. So of course it would be a girl! Re-incarnation is the only thing that makes since of all this. Why wouldn't we get to come back? I feel I got a slow start on this whole life thing. First surviving the childhood, then unlearning all that I was taught. I hope where ever you are Stephen, that you are getting to do what you never could!

Date:	2008-05-23 10:51
Subject:	The Small Things
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

His eyes were light green-sometimes light blue. My brother, Stephen had my dad's eye color and the shape of my mothers. When you love deeply you know everything about the person. I know that he liked venti vanilla breve lattes (sometimes no vanilla), I know that he loved the spicy sauce that Dickey's offers for their B B Q. He loves clam chowder and pepperoni pizza with jalopenos and ranch dressing. I'd be filled with joy to bring him a Dr. Pepper today to add to the pile of cans on the living room coffee table. I loved the tatoo on his arm of the sword and the dragon. He had an awesome gap between his two front teeth and a booming voice that you could pick out in a crowd. I was looking at a video today with my mom of Stephen wondering how it came to this. It's strange to see him in action knowing that behind me I have a small part of him in a box.

I miss him asking me if I'd like some pancakes. I miss him telling me to have fun at work ha ha! At the time, I hated it when he'd say that to me because I hated my job. I miss his laugh. I loved watching him work on the computer-he wowed me often. I look back and barely remember us being together as children. Most of what I do remember was painful. I have spent two years now feeling I have been sent signs. I watch everything hoping that it has special meaning. I hope it's a message from him. I look at the butterflies and lady bugs with desperation. I see mourning doves in the tree outside my apartment and wish it was him coming to see me. I want the salamander that was hanging out on the patio with me to be him catching some rays by my side, just like we did when we'd find some random apartment complex and use their pool.

Date:	2008-05-19 07:31
Subject:	Old Testament or New?
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

I've been thinking of the childhood my brother and I had. The memories are like dreams. They are vague, and not in any type of sequence. I think of the times when we would walk out of a store and he would run screaming and crying and begging us not to leave him; at the time, my thoughts were that of a child. I thought it was embarrassing, and annoying. I see now by watching my own child, that the fear is real. That fear stayed with him all his life. Today, if he were hear, I'd hug him everyday and let him know he will never be left behind.

Many people don't understand how hard it is to get back to God when you've been raised by a preacher who taught what he was taught-that God doesn't like you if you make mistakes. Some mistakes you can't even be forgiven for; for example, divorce, killing and adultery. I see in many religions how this has changed a bit. It's nice to know that some religions are graduating to the New Testament finally. It's been there quite a while people!! HELLO! Or is it more exciting for some to stay stuck in the suffering and pain of the Old Testament? Just like watching the news or stopping for a car wreck to see if we can catch a bloody body or something grotesque. We can leave the Old Testament behind! That's why Jesus came, to show us a different way.

As a child I remember my fear too. I remember running through the halls of one of our many homes screaming in horror because I had just woken from a dream where I was burning in eternal damnation. I was 9 years old. Yes, Jesus was crucified. He was put to death because he was trying to tell everyone, "you have got it all wrong!". We burn each other up, we kill each other. We created God in our image. Our image of fear, hate, jealousy, greed and the list goes on. God is love. It's amazing to me that I was just turned down by a job to be of service to others because I didn't believe in Hell. "Well, where do you think we go when we die?" asks the woman from the C.A.R.E.'S organization.

I think if we don't get it here, we can come back until we do, or we can go back to our creator. I believe in II Corinthians 13:4. "Love does not keep a record of wrongs people!. Why in the world would a loving father who is all mighty be jealous? Jealous is nothing to do with love, it is fear. Jealousy and Fear walk hand in hand. If I'm jealous I'm in fear of not being loved, or if someone I love loves someone else. Why in the world would a loving father throw any of his children away? I am baffled by the belief in some religion. If Jesus was here today and came across a prostitute on drugs, he would probably wait until she sobered up, then he might ask, "would you like a way out of hell? If so, take my hand and do what I do." I am so happy today that I can make fun of my crazy mind, but know I can pray and have any meaningless thoughts removed so I don't act on them. I am grateful today that I know my thoughts aren't me, they are from something that thinks I'm separate from God.

Hell is here people. Heaven is here people. The choice is ours if our thoughts haven't taken over-if we are capable of choosing. There is no death people, we think we're seperate from God and that's why we're here! Once we realize we're not seperate from God we can go back home whether we're still in this body or not. God loves every single person on this earth, we are ALL his children whether we know him or not. God does not need approval from us, God does not need us to tell him he's okay. God is just fine. God loves us whether we love him or not. I know this even more so since I have Bella. I will always love her no matter what she does and she is always welcome home. I would never throw her in a fiery pit, even if she walked up to me one day and told me she didn't know me. Love does not have rules and regulations, love is wanting what's best for others and ourselves.

Date:	2008-05-15 08:57
Subject:	Did I ask you?
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Since I've been pregnant, I have been amazed at the comments, advice and opinions people offer up. Here are a few:
Wow, you're glowing! (this is after a morning of puking up my guts.)
You better get some rest now, because you won't be sleeping for a while. (already I'm not sleeping you dumb ass because I have to pee every thirty minutes.)
Do you know what it is? (yes, it's a baby shit head)
What's wrong with her? (thanks a fucking lot)
Have you tried crackers and 7 Up? (gee, haven't thought of that.)
Wow, you're gonna pop any day, can I touch it? (hell No)
What are you feeding that kid? (donuts and chocolate, I want what's best)
What a cute little boy! (can't people just say, what a cute baby???)
Too be continued.... 

Date:	2008-05-13 21:43
Subject:	My Thoughts are a Continous Horror Flick
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

I have recently become more aware than ever of my thoughts. I'll catch myself every day thinking of some horrible incident that might happen, or think of a situation that has happened and replay it with some morbid ending. No wonder we have the amount of horror flicks we do; in the past, present and I'm sure more to come. I wonder was it the horror flicks that came first or my thoughts. I can be mindlessly doing the dishes and thick of cutting my fingers off in the garbage disposal, or jamming a knife accidentally into my hand while I put the silver away. The latest and greatest is hearing a siren while my husband and baby are out on a walk. I imagine they were hit by a car or jumped by someone; of course relief comes when they walk through the door. I pause a lot lately in despair of what goes on in my mind. This isn't new, it's been going on for years.

Well, now that I'm aware, I have been told that's the first step-from here it should start to go away. I sure hope so! My thoughts drain me. This constant awareness takes more energy than it does to walk around on auto pilot and going through the motions. No wonder I'm in constant fear, no wonder I am full of anxiety and no wonder I need to pray to be relieved of the bondage of self. I have no desire to watch or create a horror flick, but I sure have some material.

Date:	2008-05-12 21:06
Subject:	If I Wasn't Afraid
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

I was watching all these talented, beautiful, genius children on Oprah this evening and it occured to me that it must be easier as an infant, even a teen to find their brilliance; especially when their minds aren't cluttered with meaningless jargon. Meaningless thoughts that tell us, "We can't do it" or "it will never happen." Some of us spend our thirties and forties trying to get back to where we started. We realize our Hard drive desperately needs erased, and re-loaded with new information-even better, we need a whole new computer with all the latest and greatest. How to get back? Usually one needs a detailed map or to ask for directions. Some may re-trace where they have been.

I felt self pity and jealousy as I watched these children beam with joy. They know. They know what they were meant to do. Each of them express themselves with no struggle-no fear. I'd like to be happy for them. I'd like to believe that's it's never too late. It's easy for someone to say, "it's never too late!" It's like bathing a baby and dressing them in fresh clean clothes only to have them fall in a mud puddle over and over again. I think of all the people who leave this world so early and wonder do they get to come back? Can they try again? If I wasn't afraid what would I do? This question is powerful.

If I wasn't afraid what would I do? I would:

Audition again for another commercial
Take guitar lessons
Take voice lessons
Save my money
Not smoke that first cigarette when I was twenty
Have moved to California for a short time

To be continued.....

Date:	2007-05-15 21:42
Subject:	Maternal Insticts
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

Is it just me? Isn't it a maternal instinct to pick a baby up when it's crying? Others have told me to let the baby cry itself to sleep because it works for them. I can handle a little whimper here and there, but breaking into a sweat cry? Is my mothering wrong? Is it bad for the baby if I pick her up when she's crying before bed? I got angry tonight thinking that people can do that. Is it wrong for my baby to think she can cry and I'll pick her up? What the F@#*? I sure wouldn't want them for friends. They'll just let me cry and pat me on the head and say, "there, there hope you go to sleep." I wonder what Mother Mary did? Did she just hang out with the three wise men while Jesus cried himself to sleep so he can be on a schedule?

If I were lying in a bed crying, hyperventilating, and breaking into a sweat I'd be pissed knowing there were people around just telling me to basically calm yourself down, put yourself to sleep, and get over it little baby. Your new to the world and all, and are learning to trust the people in your life to be there for you, but who cares you need to be held. Put yourself to sleep. I'm glad I had some clarity tonight, I can parent how I want to parent. I can be there for my baby when she's crying and having a hard time going to sleep. Right now, I can't always tell if she has a tummy ache or just sleepy. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

She can figure out later when she's sad that she can pray and get relief, or read a book to help her sleep, or hug her teddy bear if she's lonely; For now, it's up to me to teach her trust. I want her to trust that she's cared for, so it will be easy for her to trust others in the world. Maybe I care too much, maybe I'll be sorry later for not making her cry herself to sleep, but I don't care! I'm going with my gut, my instincts. I will let her cry and feel her feelings--we all need too-- but when my baby breaks into a sweat, and hyperventilates, I'm picking her up damn it!

Date:	2007-05-09 08:26
Subject:	Happy Mother's Day!
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved

I had to write about my new favorite experience. For the first time while feeding my little girl, she turns on her side and and puts her little arm on my chest. Her little face facing mine and little legs on my stomach. I lay and look with wonder at this little person I love with every part of my soul. Mother's day has a new meaning to me. I am so blessed, I am so loved. I want Bella to read this someday and to know how special she is. I want her to know a life so full of miracles and wonder. I want her to know how much she is loved. If I could, I would extend my arms to all the little children in this world. I would wrap them with these arms and do all I can to see that little grin and to feel those little arms touching me. There is no experience that compares to this other than a miracle. I have had miracles when a hopeless situation is somehow solved--out of the blue--in a snap, without anything from me but surrender. Happy Mother's day to all you Mother's!!

Date:	2007-05-08 08:32
Subject:	4 months!
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

My little baby is ha ha, 4 months old and 20.3 pounds and 26 inches long. Her doctor said she's the average size of a 10 month old, and the average height of an 8 month old. I'm 115 and 5ft 4in. The point of me putting my size down, is that SHE'S KILLING ME . I was concerned about getting in shape again, but carrying her around has made it very easy--and of course--running is helping too.

It's odd to have a baby inside you for 9 months and then she looks nothing like you. She looks like her dad more than anything, which is great because he has beautiful brown eyes! I can't believe how much I love this! I am not working outside the house now and I love it!! I get to sit at my computer, book vacations with my little one in my lap as we rock out to Jimi Hendrix! Awe... this is the life my friends!

Week nine, from March 11th, 2007:

Finally, Bella is sleeping 7 to 10 hours straight.  The only problem is she goes to sleep at six or seven in the evening ha ha. She's smiling and laughing now and it brings tears to my eyes that this little girl came from me.  I never thought I'd love staying at home so much, I've always been a career woman.  It's nice to deal with only one personality, rather than hundreds.  Having a baby is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, besides getting sober in 1990.  Being married isn't so bad either!  Now, the only thing missing is a creative outlet.  I know I'm an artist, all my friends and lovers have been artist.  Now, what is my artistic talent?  I've always been the supporting friend or lover in their work, it's time for me to experiment. 

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Week 10 Current mood: grateful Category: Blogging   Bella weighs 15 pounds now.  She has doubled her weight in 2 1/2 months.  At first I felt guilty for bottle feeding, but she is so healthy and happy!  Also, mom is happy too because other people can feed her when I need a break.  She is more vocal than ever, laughing, smiling, and talking (baby language that is).  I'm trying to monitor my thoughts.  For years now I've read books like, "The Game of Life", "The Sermon on the Mount", and "The Power of Now".  I recently purchased "The Secret" and realize I have always given up too soon.  I'm starting now, today with gratitude and a wish list: Grattitude: My little girl My husband My mom My aunts and cousins Friends My home Spring Trees warm wind ocean Wish List: I am living in my dream home, I have two.  One here and one by the ocean I am doing what I love!  I am forever young and healthy I am a non smoker I am a good mother I love running through nature I love my new RX8 mazda, green is my color! I love me and my body! I love acting, movies, music and knowing famous people! I am famous! I am making a difference I help others I am surrounded by beauty and peace My brother, Errol, Pam, Granny, Grandaddy, Aunt Mae, Uncle Jim, Uncle Leo, Kim, and Joey are with me, and guide me.

Sunday, March 25, 2007
Week 11
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging

Yes!  I'm getting sleep.  I never would have thought I'd love to be a mom, this is so wonderful!  I can't wait for each morning when she smiles and laughs.  She's clinching things with her hands now, and loves running her fingers through her blankets.  I can't wait to give her all that I didn't have.  She will have safety, positive words, hugs and kisses, discipline and she will get to choose her path spiritually and professionally. 

I don't think she cares yet who holds her as long as her needs are met.  People tell me she knows I'm her mom, but I don't see it yet.  Well, I know I'm her mom!  I appreciate my mom so much more.  I appreciate all moms!

Ha!  Every where I go Bella is being called "chubby" and "little chunk."  I guess she's big for almost three months.  I carried her at the store today in my baby bjorn.  She was so good, she gazed for the whole almost two hours at everything.  It's so much easier to stay in the here and now with a baby in my life.  She hates covers on her feet ha ha!  She hates hats and wearing clothes.  She's my girl alright!   My husband wants me to write a novel.  He thinks my life story would make a good one.  I don't know if I have that kind of patience.  Where would I start?  My first memory is age three.  Then six and seven.  I remember ten, eleven and up real well.  I'm grateful for: Bella staring at her hands Bella when she makes cute noises Not having to work My neighborhood Not looking my age Music Friends Coffee Chocolate

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Week 12 Current mood: grateful Category: Blogging Wow!  I want more babies!  This little girl is such a blessing to me.  She makes me want to be a better person.  Those hands must really taste good.  She loves her hands.  She loves to look at them, and suck on them ha ha.  Everyone is telling me she's a chubby girl.  She's 15 pounds and 3 months old.  She's my chunky monkey!  It's so wonderful to see her noticing colors and nature.  I had her smell a rose today and touch a tree.  If you have problems staying in the moment and always get caught up in the past or future, just grab a newborn!

Wow, my daughter is 8 weeks now. Two months old today. Everything I say to her is plural (God help me). Interesting when you talk to babies what comes out. I find myself saying, "are you hungries?", "look at those footers!", "Awe,I love my babies", "is your diaper dirties?" Well, who knows why we do what we do when a little human being or animal is around. It seems to break a smile, or bring about a playful pant and turn on the kitten motor. I thought I might want another baby. I thought I'd like a boy, but I don't think I can go through this sleeping every two hours thing again. I thought the labor was going to be hard, I was afraid of the labor ha! The nine months of throwing up and the months of no sleep and crying after are the hard part.

Gentle breezes on a day like today

Friends

Being Talented

Hope

Pets

Changing colors of the leaves

My home

Laughing

Family

Being Sober

My good health

Having more than enough food and shelter

Sanity

Uplifting Music

Inspirational Movies

Long walks and jogging

knowing there's a God

What are all of you grateful for?? Let me know!!

Love and Peace!

I was so moved by the show last night that I had to write something. When I was hitting my bottom with drugs and alcohol in 1988 and 1989, I always had one thing consistently with me, my favorite cassette tape of Edie Brickel and The New Bohemians. What an experience to see one of my favorite bands sober. What an experience to see Edie, Kenny and Brad using their talent to touch others, and projecting an energy that makes one stop with wonder, and awe.

To hear music you love and it sound just the same live-in my experience-is rare. The one song, that I hadn't heard before that moved me to tears was "10, 000 Angels." I didn't want the people around me to see me crying, ha ha. Like they cared!! I feel this piece of musical art-at one time-or even now, we can all understand at a very deep level. All the new music I heard, I loved right away; which, If I don't like it right away, I won't (kinda like me and country music). The old and new music both spoke to me, and the words and lyrics painted a picture, a masterpiece.

Edie radiated a peace that makes one want to run up to her and ask her, how did you get that? She is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and appears to be a woman totally okay with who she is. She is a person that appears to want and love what she has.

I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to experience more than just a drunken concert where I didn't hear a word of what was sung. Thank you Tim for taking me! What a blessing.


Lyrics to 10, 000 Angels:

I'm feeling feelings like I never felt before
My head is reeling when I used to be so sure
Of why I'm here and why it is I'm going there
But now I fear I'm not getting anywhere

10,000 demons are scratchin' at my feet
Tearing at my soul ripping apart my belief
10,000 angels are flying overhead
Circling the ceiling reaching down onto my bed
I said, "Come to me I really want you
Come to me because I need you now
Come to me I really want you
Come to me I will go anywhere with you"

I rode my bicycle too fast and I fell down
A lot of people saw me fall onto the ground
I was embarrassed see my face turning red
I heard the angels laughing way above my head
I said, "Come to me I really want you
Come to me because I need you now
Come to me I really want you
Come to me and I will go anywhere with you"

10,000 demons are scratchin' at my feet
Tearing at my soul ripping apart my belief
10,000 angels are flying through my heart
whispering secrets and tearing me apart

Ten million people close their eyes to sleep
Ten million people pry the Lord my soul to keep


Have a blessed day!

CC

Trapped in hell on earth. How did I get here?
I don't belong here, there has been a mistake.
I can't find the way back, help me get out.
I don't belong here, I from the other place.

Free me
I want to play like children

Free me
I want to stare at the waves

free me
I want to laugh and sing

Please, free me

I'm lost in hell on Earth, I thought it was down there.
I swear I've been good, I just took a wrong turn.
I can't bare the pain. I am so tired and scared.
Please, bring me back to the fresh air and sun.

Free me
Remove the weights from my soul

Free me
Cover me with puppies and love

Free me
No more bondage and pain

Please, Free me

All walk around, holding space in this moment

The space we hold creates the whole

Sadness comes when space is vacant

Suddenly the whole is not whole

We all have a twin or the same name

A like, but express in creative, unique ways

No one is replaceable, no one is the same

The space we hold, the energy we give

All bless the moment in which they live

Expression and creativity only you project

Space in time reserved for you

You in your space I cherish, I respect

You are Irreplaceable your smile and face

Absense mentally or physically leaves emptiness

I feel emptiness in this moment and space